Learning Self-Criticism Through Interactions
I used to struggle with self-esteem issues and often practised self-criticising.
Interactions Shape How We Learn
After much contemplation, I realised that I learned to be a self-critic from my interactions with others.
Much of what I learn is through interacting with other people. For example, I learned teamwork through my interactions with classmates and obtained knowledge from interacting with teachers.
What a Baby Teaches Us About Learning Behaviour
I learned from Choice Theory that a baby also quickly learns that the way to get food is to express hunger by crying loudly.
As he/she grows, the baby tries the behaviour of crying for all other things that he/she wants to get. If crying does not work, then he/she is likely to try a new behaviour.
Returning to the Self-Critic Within
Back to my topic of self-criticism.
I’ve allowed myself to be exposed to criticism over the first two decades of my life and have accepted the criticism as truth, as I hear enough of them multiple times.
A False Picture of Safety
I also accepted a picture of myself being safe from criticism by simply allowing others to have a say over things and denying myself the opportunity to speak up.
Over time, as our life paths diverge, these people go away, and people who trust me come into my life.
How I Kept the Picture Alive
The picture of being safe (Survival Need) remains prominent in my head, and the irony of it all is – I creatively keep the picture by criticising myself to temper my need to be heard (Power Need).
After all, I’ve learned that putting myself out there may earn me more criticism from others. Why speak up when I can be safe by keeping silent?
Love as the Turning Point
Mark 12:30-31 says:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”
The second is this: “Love your neighbour as yourself.” There is no commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:30-31 NIV
I learned love from God when I accepted that He sent Jesus to die for my sins. As I interact with Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, I learn more about how He loves me and how to reciprocate in this relationship I have with Him.
Learning to Love Myself
And as I discover how He shows love to me presently – through a community that cares for me, through my wife who accepts me for who I am, through people who are supportive of me – as time goes by, I learn to also care, accept, and support myself. I basically learned how to love myself as a new behaviour.
A Quieter Self-Critic and a Louder Love
The self-critic in me is a lot quieter now.
And when I allow myself to be loved and accepted by others as well as myself, I also learned the language of godly love and know to behave lovingly towards my neighbour because I know love for myself.
